REPARATIVE RELATIONSHIP

REPARATIVE RELATIONSHIP

By Pastor Bimbo Odukoya

Peju is the first of three (3) girls born to Mr. & Mrs. Abolarin. As far back as she could remember Peju’s mother had always been responsible for the upkeep of the entire family even though both parents lived together. Her father had a job but he never provided for any of the family’s needs.

Mr. Abolarin was a heavy drinker and would come home repeatedly late at night drunk, only to collapse into bed in deep sleep. In this state, he was constantly irritable. The only time Peju, her siblings and mother ever saw him was on Saturdays and even then, he would go out all-day to return very late at night. On one of such days, he slept and never woke up. He died at 46. Bola was just 14 at the time of her father’s death. Peju and her family missed him only for a while.

A year later Peju met Tunji. They soon became intimate friends. All Peju wanted was to have a close relationship with a member of the opposite sex. She sought succour to help overcome all the emotional setbacks she suffered growing-up. She wanted a father figure desperately. Peju and Tunji remained friends for about a year until he had to leave for America for further studies.

Eventually Peju also gained admission into the University and everything changed. She moved into the university hostel and soon began to make new friends. She met Mike. Mike was very nice to Peju and she felt, ‘Yes! This is the type of friendship I have always desired.’ They became very close and to Peju’s greatest joy, Mike asked her out and they began a relationship.

One day, Peju met Mike in her friend’s hostel room. They were in a very compromising position. Peju was devastated. Mike lied that nothing had happened. He however pointed out that the reason he had been tempted was because Peju had persistently disallowed questionable physical advances between them. Eventually, Peju bowed to Mike’s pressure and they began to indulge themselves in petting, which finally resulted in sexual immorality.

She initially felt very guilty about it but rationalized that since they were both in love with each other it was alright. Having satisfied his selfish desires, Mike called off the relationship. Peju became inconsolable. She felt used and had no one to turn to.

She got involved in several other relationships (some with married men), which all began and ended the same way as that with Mike.

Peju was trying to fill a void in her life; a strong desire for a father figure, which she had lacked in her developing years and so she turned to men in an attempt to fill this void. She would do anything and go to any length to maintain these relationships, which ultimately always involved her indulging in sex with them. But the emptiness remained.

PASTOR BIMBO’S COMMENTS
Proverbs 24:6 says, “For by wise counsel you will wage your own war, and in a multitude of counselors there is safety”.

My heart goes out to Peju, who is obviously trying to fill a void in her life, a strong desire for a father figure. This, she was denied of in her formative years and so turned to men to satisfy this desire.

It is clear from our story that Peju’s father before his avoidable death did not fulfill his mandate of fatherhood. She apparently suffered from lack necessary parental support. She needed the input of a father in her life, which she never got. So she turned to the opposite sex for succour.

All Peju thought she needed was to have a close relationship with the opposite sex, but she was actually longing for succour from a father figure to help overcome all the developmental setbacks she suffered growing up; she wanted a father desperately.

The tragedy of Peju’s situation was that she knew what she wanted but she did not know how to get it. She became a cheap victim of sexual exploitation in the hands of both single and married men. Since that is the wrong solution to her problem her emptiness only remained and increased. She only reaped the fruit of frustration in saddening abundance.

So many young women have found themselves in this situation because they have confused a reparative relationship with a romantic relationship.
It is therefore essential as a single to distinguish between a reparative relationship and a romantic relationship. On no account must the two be confused as they serve different functions. A reparative relationship cannot be a romantic one. A reparative relationship is one that would develop in you what you did not get from your childhood and family life. It is actually designed to repair developmental injuries. In order words, a young girl, who grew up without her father for one reason or the other, God brings a father figure into her life, who becomes a father and repairs the damage and hurt she has suffered. Such a person becomes the father she never had and therefore provides the psychological, social and mental need which only a father figure can provide.

A romantic relationship on the other hand calls for responsibility. Any individual who desires it must be mature spiritually, socially, mentally, financially, empowered to contribute positively to the partner’s life. A person in Peju’s shoe can’t get into a romantic relationship because she needs to be repaired first.

She still needs to be invested in because she’s a needy person who is lacking something she should have had in her childhood. Developmental repair isn’t an adult need, it’s an unresolved childhood need.

In the same way that parents don’t date children or children don’t date parents; dating (romantic Relationship) is not what she needs. She needs a father child relationship. (A Reparative Relationship)

Peju therefore doesn’t need a boyfriend or a dating partner, she needs a mentor. Her focus at this stage should not be dating but mentoring. Mentors are people willing to be transparent and willing to share the secrets of their successes. Mentors do not take advantage of sensitivities. Once a mentor takes his eyes off nurturing you and begins to take advantage of you emotionally or physically, he ceases to be a mentor. When choosing a mentor, seek someone who leads by example, someone in whose life you can testify to tested and exceptional qualities. You should look for someone who not only has knowledge, but wisdom, the application of knowledge. Look for someone who has the fear of God, and by that I mean someone who is more concerned about pleasing God than pleasing you. Therefore, he will give Godly counsel. Your search should be for someone who models a level of Christianity you are yet to achieve.

Once a possible mentor (a father figure) is found, approach him sincerely and honestly and ask him if he would be your mentor and have enough time to devote to the relationship.

A mentor must have a good prayer life because he needs to pray for God to give him genuine compassion and right counselling at the right time for the dependant.

In situations where the man is married, be sure to involve the wife. Again, keep the boundaries clear. One way to do this is with an older couple that understands their role as mentors and models in your life. If the wife is part of the relationship as well as the husband, then there’s built-in safety. I know a single lady who had a very close relationship with a couple who basically adopted her as part of the family. They are still her adopted parents and mentors She is eternally grateful to them for their role in her life. Where a man is the mentor to a female romantic feeling might rear its head. They often do because of the natural emotional attachment that follows an intimate relationship between two members of the opposite sex. Therefore the boundaries for the relationship must remain clear. So, make sure you’re in a setting with built-in structures so this kind of relationship doesn’t turn romantic.

Peju ’s need for a relationship with the opposite sex is real and valid. But it must be fulfilled in non-romantic ways. If with single men. Peju must insist on a platonic kind of relationship. If with married men, she must make sure there are the protective boundaries of a restorative relationship or the built-in safety of becoming good friends with the wife as well. If you stick to these principles, chances are that you can find some deep healing in a mentor/ dependant relationship.

In cultivating any relationship, your priority focus must be that such a relationship must be God-centered. A relationship that does not have God as its foundation would ultimately fizzle out in frustration.

The very first place to start is to give your life to Jesus Christ. If there is anyone you need at this time, its Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ has proven His steadfast love and friendship for us by laying down His life. For you to fully experience and enjoy the beauty of true and sincere love, you need to make a commitment to Jesus Christ today. Please pray this prayer if you would like to give your life to Him:

Dear Jesus, I repent and confess all my sins today. I believe that you are the Son of God and that you died and rose again. I invite you into my life to be my lord and personal saviour, wash me in your blood and baptize me with your spirit. Amen.
And for those of you having challenges relating to the issues raised in this article please pray this prayer: -

Dear Jesus, I thank you for your word, which is able to save. I have received your word and I ask for the grace to break up the romantic relationship I am in now and to stop sexual sin which I don’t need and will only frustrate me the more. I ask that you will send a God fearing mentor to me and that you will fill me with love and peace. Thank you Jesus. Amen.

Did you really read this article? If you did and it pulled a string within you, you might want to talk to me about your challenges or make further enquiries about the ministry and teaching tapes.